How the Company Views its Employees

How the Company Views its Employees

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
 
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
 

The family picture is on HER desk.
 
Umm, her family will come before her career.
 

********
 

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
 
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
 

HER desk is cluttered.
 
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
 

********
 

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
 
He must be discussing the latest deal
 

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
 
She must be gossiping.
 

********
 

4. HE's not at his desk.
 
He must be at a meeting.
 

SHE's not at her desk.
 
She must be in the ladies' room.
 

********
 

5. HE's not in the office.
 
He's meeting with customers.
 

SHE's not in the office.
 
She must be out shopping.
 

********
 

6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
 
He's on his way up.
 

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
 
They must be having an affair.
 

********
 

7. The boss criticised HIM.
 
He'll improve his performance.
 

The boss criticized HER.
 
She'll be very upset.
 

********
 

8. HE got an unfair deal.
 
Did he get angry?
 

SHE got an unfair deal.
 
Did she cry?
 

********
 

9. HE's getting married.
 
He'll get more settled.
 

SHE's getting married.
 
She'll get pregnant and leave.
 

********
 

10. HE's having a baby.
 
He'll need a raise.
 

SHE's having a baby.
 
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
 

********
 

11. HE's going on a business trip.
 
It's good for his career.
 

SHE's going on a business trip.
 
What does her husband say?
 

********
 

12. HE's leaving for a better job.
 
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
 

SHE's leaving for a better job.
 
Women are not dependable.

It all depends on what's important to you

It all depends on what's important to you

A man and his friend were in a city, walking through the street. It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the man said to his friend, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the man said, "I heard a cricket."

"That's crazy," said the friend.

The man listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed. "That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"

"No," said the man. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?" asked the man.

"It all depends on what's important to you."

Sardarji's Once Again

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

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Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to Punjab ,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein "Delivery Free" hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mera photo bus me niche gir gaya aur maine kaha madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde yaar,  8 khaye nahi jayenge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.

Laughter

4 Boy friends

*4 Boy friends*

Once upon a time, there was this girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great 
contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you.. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?

'No!', replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm 
going to marry someone else!'

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me.

When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter 
where you go...'

The girl looked up, and there was her 1st boyfriend.. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!.

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:

Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you. 

Thought for the day: 
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.

Men and Women

All Men: Please read the Moral of the story
All Women: You may also;

Story:

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.       
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.       
                                  
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 
three wishes.'                                                             
                                  
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to 
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.                       
                                  
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'                 
                                    
The woman said, 'That's okay.'                                           
                                  
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the     
world.                                                                     
                                  
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your   
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will     
flock to'.                                                               
                                  
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful     
woman and he will have eyes only for me.'                                 
                                  
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!                   
                                    
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.     
                                  
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. 
And he will be ten times richer than you.'                               
                                  
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'                                                                   
                                  
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!                           
                                  
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a
mild heart attack..'                                                       
                                  
                                  
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.               
                                    
                                  
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here 
and continue feeling good.                                                 
                                  
Male readers: Please scroll down.                                         
                                    
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife                                                               
                                  
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show   
that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who 
have a good sense of humor..  

This Could be us Someday

    An elderly gentleman...
         Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
         The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
        The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

          Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
          Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'          'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
           'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

         An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
          The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
          The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
           The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
          You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
           'Do you mean a rose?'
          'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


           Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
           After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
          On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
           'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


           Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
          Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
          'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
           'Sure.'
           'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
           'No, I can remember it.'
           'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'            He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
          'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
          Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
           Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
           The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a        moment. Where's my toast ?'

           A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
       'So I hear you're getting married?'
           'Yep!'
           'Do I know her?'
           'Nope!'
          'This woman, is she good looking?'
           'Not really.'
           'Is she a good cook?'
           'Naw, she ca n't cook too well.'
           'Does she have lots of money?'
           'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
         'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
           'I don't know.'
         'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
          'Because she can still drive!'
         

Three old guys are out walking.
          First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
          Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
           Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


          A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
          'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
           'Twelve thirty.'


           Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
           A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
          A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'   Morris    replied,          Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

           The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
           One more. . .
           A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After  

            catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
           The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
           'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
           Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff!

Doubts

I have some doubts......

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
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2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

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5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)
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10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)
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12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
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15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Road Safety

Hi!
The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on
a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be
reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below.......

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This is very Important, please pass onto friends and family .
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

Hilarious One

An elderly woman goes to the doctor.

She says, "Doc, I'm undergoing through a terrible mental trauma - I pass gas
all the time!!!
Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For
example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's
odorless and silent so you can't tell."

The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and
come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week.

She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass
gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage.
Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

The Melting Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!

But there was a problem

Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

	The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in the bag and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

But The Question Is : What was the object the prince had in the bag?

( scroll down )

They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. [Now pls don't look for meeeee cozI'm searching for da person who sent me dis) ]

Thats not my Job - Award Goes to

Bite Nose with your Teeth

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Chairman of Microsoft - Funny One

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One
candidate is Chella Mani an Indian (Chennai) guy.


Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do
not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Mani says to
himself, 'I do not know  JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll
give it a try'


Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing
more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Mani says to
himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.


Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to
leave. 500 people leave the room. Mani says to himself, 'I left school
at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.


Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat
to leave. 498 people leave the room. Mani says to himself, ' I do not
speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what  do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other
candidate. Everyone else has gone.


Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mani turns to the other candidate and says 'nalla erukiya macha'
The other candidate answers 'nalla erukanda mama'